RGSOAS 2013/2014 Preview

Preview

The 2013/14 football season is going to be big. As the commentariat scrabbles for prominence, Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed is poised to offer the greatest sporting content known to mankind. In this World Cuppiest of World Cup years, plans are in place to secure this site’s place as the foremost authority on football.

RGSOAS will provide the most comprehensive football coverage available anywhere on any of the websites currently in operation. Literally every sentence will be fully comprehensive, with each word packed with meaning. In fact, we vow that each word will mean something – our words will never mean nothing. This is our promise to you.

The depth of our coverage will be deeper than any other outlet on the planet. It will be covered in layers of various bodily fluids, repeatedly, until it forms a hardened crust, virtually impenetrable by conventional DIY tools, for added depth.

This season, RGSOAS will truly be unmissable. If we suspect anyone of missing us, even by mistake, our team of private investigators will find you and hurl hard copies of our incredible sporting words at your stunned face, while bellowing them in your extremely grateful ears. Family members and beloved pets will be kidnapped until guarantees are made that you will be given all the time you need to fully digest and appreciate our unstoppable brilliance.

Here are just some of the magnificent articles you can look forward to this season, as your life is improved beyond all measure:

* Travels Through Time with Gary Neville’s Translucent Moustache – Join us as we finally harness the time-travelling powers of punditry’s most tenuous facial topiary. Expect genocide, hate crimes and Neville’s typically robust use of modern technology.

* Frowning with Stewart Downing – Football’s blandest non-entity is invited to get riled up over the most mundane things, like one of those pricks you find complaining at bus drivers for being late. Our series begins with the Liverpool winger struggling to cope with a package of boil-in-the-bag rice.

* Wayne Rooney Eats Himself Into Oblivion – Read in awe as we document the tragic and ultimately doomed efforts of Manchester United’s want-away striker in comfort-eating his way out of his current mess. With sharp statistical analysis from the number bods at Opta and Pizza Hot 4 U.

* Chris Iwelumo: The Musical – The career of former punchline and current Scunthorpe United striker Chris Iwelumo comes to the stage at last. We delve backstage to chronicle frantic attempts to find words that rhyme with ‘Iwelumo’ before opening night. Starring former Eastenders favourite Michael Greco as the Scottish journeybloke.

* Tony Hibbert Tells You About The Time He Accidentally Got His Own Shit On His Bellend and Stained It Brown Forever – Everything the title suggests and less. Recommended.

* Stuart Taylor – What I’ve Achieved While Sitting On The Bench – Career understudy and purported ‘goalkeeper’ Stuart Taylor releases his long-awaited debut novel, to be serialised exclusively on RGSOAS. Written entirely while sitting on the bench for various football clubs, he waxes lyrical about topics such as Kierkegaard’s dubious reputation as ‘The Father of Existentialism’, peak oil theory and whether you can justify not having a shower after a game if you didn’t sweat during the warm-up.

* Joey Barton’s Big Apology – An old-timey headmaster forces Joey Barton to apologise for everything, reducing the would-be renaissance man to tears with his hectoring tone and refusal to let him outside to play until he’s thought sufficiently about what he’s done.

* Adventures With Jawbones – Week one: Martin Jol. Week two: Martin Jol again.

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Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed is One Year Old!

“You’re the birthday, you’re the birthday, you’re the birthday boy or blog”

Rejoice, for RGSOAS is now twelve months old.

To summarise the fun we’ve all been having together, here is a word cloud of every single syllable that’s been farted out of the trap of the most electrifying presence in the thrilling world of football blogging:

However, based on various hunches and insidious whispers I’ve been hearing, I decided to remove any words that directly refer to Judaism. And when I do that, an interesting thing happens:

Needless to say, I tweeted the FBI at once. They are yet to reply.

I won’t let this ruin the fun though, and I invite you all to join me in the celebrations. On Saturday we will be playing pass the parcel on Twitter – tweet me (@RGSOAS) the hashtag #passtheparcel to receive a unique gift. Jean-Michel Jarre will be on hand for a live performance of Rendez-Vu ’98, ITV’s theme tune for the France World Cup. Your favourite football figures will be mildly harrassed for your pleasure. And less!

Be imaginative with the gifts though, yeah?

Welcome, Guardian readers!

Hello new readers! Have you been on holiday? You look great!

If you have been sent here by the Guardian website’s ‘Our favourite things this week’ section, we need to address the following things:

1 –We bear no ill will that we have been selected for this monumental honour on a bank holiday week, automatically cutting short our moment in the sun. Any suggestion that Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed will firebomb Rob Smyth’s house is purely paper talk, and anyway we don’t know where he lives.

2 – Equally, there is no resentment over the fact that they have failed to acknowledge the true name of this blog, preventing untold progress in terms of raising brand awareness. We have sent an inquisitive e-mail to celebrated PR guru Max Clifford, seeking his advice.

Now that we’re all friends, why not sit a while and see what else is on offer? Why not wallow in the muck of lust, as Sexy Football regales you with some sizzling hot erotica? How about looking at The Reducer – a mere second of looking at a funny picture can provide you with a mere second of joy, so treat yourself! We also have Joey Barton’s Lifestyle Choices, where football’s answer to Nathan Barley impresses us with his clean-living regime. There is also Paul Ince’s Reminiscences, Minute-By-Minutes and, much, much more! And more! You can subscribe to the blog, and receive an e-mail to tell you whenever I’ve spouted fresh guff. You can also follow us on Twitter (@RGSOAS), to see what I think about when I’m sitting on the turlet at work. You can even hire a private investigator to find out where I live, and break in to my home to surprise me after a hard day’s work – the first reader to do so will win a mystery prize*!

So please, let your stay be not short, and let’s all be friends. GROUP HUG! (Please e-mail or tweet to confirm that you have hugged your PC screen, laptop, or mobile device. Full group hug figures will then be posted soon after.)

*A RGSOAS t-shirt and a knife in your dark heart.