If 2011 was anything to go by, Mario Balotelli will be all over 2012, finding ever more ludicrous ways to capture the imagination. Given the reams of press coverage he generated last year, it is safe to assume that he will accumulate a similar acreage this year, which will ask for a fair time commitment from us, the reading public. It will also leave us in a collective quandary as we desperately wonder whether it’s sufficiently hip to like him or not.
With this in mind, RGSOAS has devised a definitive compendium of opinions that sum up the divisive nature of the man. The accompanying stories are deadly accurate approximations of what I’m sure we can expect this year. This is your one-stop shop for your Balotelli reading; get it out of the way early, in order to free up time to devote to other pursuits. Enjoy it, then move on. We’ve got the Olympics to get on with, after all…
I prefer his earlier, cooler stuff personally. Did you hear that story about when he was fourteen years old and he hid his teacher’s keys? Nah, you probably haven’t heard that, but it was probably his most seminal escapade. It really changed the way I think about horseplay. Brilliant, it was. He just took the keys and hid them behind a radiator. Teacher had no idea. It sounds rubbish, but it was way ahead of its time, y’know? Ah, you probably don’t get it.
MY WHACKINESS IS TOO CONTRIVED
Manchester City called for a total media blackout today after it was revealed that a year’s worth of upcoming storylines for Mario Balotelli have been leaked. City manager Roberto Mancini is said to be furious that details have been circulated via a mislaid memory
stick, which has left the club on the crisis-cusp. The details of twelve months’ worth of madcap hi-jinks have spread online, leaving the club to consider the possibility of hasty rewrites. The following ideas were found:
* A DNA test arrives in the post – is Mario really the father of Pixel’s baby?
* Mario finds himself sharing a flat with Luis Suarez and John Terry in a brutal sitcom spin-off.
* Robert Mancini is taken ill, and Mario is appointed caretaker manager – the same week as the big Manchester derby!
* Local thugs challenge Mario to a skate-off, but will the builders erect his solid-gold half-pipe in time?
* Mario’s estranged brother Luigi (played by character actor and renowned character James Nesbitt) turns up – with hilarious (and tragic) results!
* “Did someone say ‘long-lost triplets’!?”
* Mario jumps a shark on a jet-ski.
LEVEL 10 HATRED (GARTH CROOKS)
FOOTBALL NEEDS ITS PERSONALITIES
Such is the demand for Mario’s own homespun style of zany buffoonery, he even had the foresight to execute his own Christmas Special, as yuletide rumours swept the internet that he had dressed as Father Christmas and driven around the Manchester streets handing out cash to passers-by. Robert Mancini, in his dual role as City manager and ad-hoc clown handler, had to deny the allegations in a press conference. Regardless, football’s self-appointed court-jester-in-chief had taught children and grown adults alike a
valuable lesson about Christmas – as unfeasible as the whole thing sounded, people wanted it to be true. People clung to the idea of Balotelli as a benevolent philanthropist, in order to restore their faith in the magic of Christmas. He did more to invigorate a
collective sense of festive wonderment than any episode of Noel’s Christmas Presents ever could, and I have very nearly cried at that programme.
NICKLAS BENDTNER TRIBUTE ACT
Nicklas Bendtner is to sue Mario Balotelli for plagiarism. The humility-conscious Dane has accused Manchester City’s whacky striker of “ripping off” his act. City fan and renowned idea thief Noel Gallagher has unsurprisingly spoken out in support of Balotelli, by saying: “Imagine all the people living for today, oh-oh-oooh”. Bendtner claims that the final straw came when he began handing out money to strangers whilst dressed as Father Christmas, only for his advances to be snubbed by members of the public who condemned the gesture as hackneyed. “I wouldn’t mind, but Mario got more publicity
for NOT doing it than I did for actually doing it. What more do I need to do to buy some popularity around here?!”. Bendtner, who hopes to sue Balotelli for around £1m, plans to spend the money on importing the Loch Ness monster into his back garden.
POOR ROLE MODEL
My mother, a mother, writes:
“That Mario Balotelli needs to grow up! I got children and they look up to ‘im!”
He’s got so much banter! He really is well banter. Seriously though, his banter is great, and he can’t stop bantering. Such is the level of his banterness that I can’t quite decide whether I use ‘banter’ as a verb, adjective, noun or other. Either way – Limit Of Liability M8! Ledge!
Nah, he’s alright innit?