The Future of Football Tactics

The world of football tactics is much like a prostitute’s underwear drawer: thrilling, colourful, and with frequent change absolutely necessary. Imagine a world without Alf Ramsey’s wingless wonders, catenaccio or total football. How much would we have lost had we not experienced false nines, genuine tens or spunky elevens?

Coaches the world over are constantly seeking new ways of utilising players to offer any advantage possible. With that, here is an exciting glimpse into the near future, with an introduction to some of the new roles and positions that we can pretend to be knowledgeable about in dull conversations in the coming years.

Deep-lying goalkeeper – A goalkeeper that spends the match standing behind the goal-line, confusing attackers by appearing slightly smaller than he really is. The deep-lying ‘keeper will make the move to his goal-line at the last possible second, causing opposing strikers to go ‘Ooh, blimey’ in a flustered manner just as they prepare to shoot. Lenticular fabric technology is currently being developed so that D-LGK’s can soon augment their game with the threat of further penalty-box optical illusions. Plans are in place for Fulham’s Maarten Stekelenburg to wear a shirt next season that appears to be a normal kit at first glance, but, when in sudden motion, creates the image of Hollywood’s whitest-haired man, Steve Martin.

"You may remember me from such films as 'Middle-Aged Dad' and 'It's Tough Having Lots of Kids!'"

“You may remember me from such films as ‘Middle-Aged Dad’ and ‘It’s Tough Having Lots of Kids!'”

Double-inverted winger – A right-footed winger playing on the left wing, inverted again to create a right-footed left-winger playing on the right-wing. Has the effect of flipping the very feet of the winger inside out, giving his running a strangely anarchic motion, making it harder for defenders to get near him. NOTE: does not work for left-footed wingers playing on the right-wing inverted back onto the left wing.

The Git’s Satellite – A physically deficient striker with a limited range of motion plays up front with his physical polar opposite – lithe, fast, rangy of limb. The immobile striker stands largely motionless up top while his team-mates are invited to bounce long balls off his lazy frame. Meanwhile, his strike partner – the Git’s Satellite – continues to encircle him for 90 minutes, running around repeatedly as if orbiting the ‘git’ like a ‘satellite’. Defenders are discombobulated by the perpetually spherical motion of the GS, and those that lack tactical discipline will try and follow his runs in a thrilling duel of stamina. Very popular among Sunday league football managers.

Göbscheidt – Midfield bother merchant, selected purely for his aggressive brand of industrious get-in-yer-facery. The fancy, continental moniker adds a misleading touch of sophistication, when really it’s very straightforward with much less beneath the surface than one is lead to believe. See: Joey Barton.

Barton: Göbscheidt

Barton: Göbscheidt

Shy wingers – A conventional winger in every sense, notable for their crippling shyness. Their reluctance to engage in conversation with strangers, or even make eye contact, means that they simply refuse to run at full-backs, lest they get too close and find themselves invited to parties or asked whether they’ve listened to any good CDs lately. Instead, they actively try to run away from them, or play dull passes when something more direct would be expected of a regular winger. Known to some as the ‘Valencia Role’.

"Ten minutes to Wapner."

“Ten minutes to Wapner.”

The Humble Libero – An accomplished defender sits behind the defence and sweeps up loose balls, but frequently makes daring runs into the opposing half. Whenever crossing the half-way line, he loudly expresses to team-mates and opposition that he’s just really, really happy to be there, rendering opposing midfielders and defenders ineffective as they stand back in admiration of this really nice guy who will never forget his roots.

Box-to-Box Boxer – The B-T-BB is a truly revolutionary concept in football and is sure to cause controversy. This allows a team to field one player who is allowed to follow the rules of boxing, while everyone else on the pitch plays according to the rules of association football. A team fielding a box-to-box boxer can win the game by scoring more goals or by knocking an opponent to the ground. Sure to ruffle feathers when FIFA officially sanctions this in time for the 2016 European Championships.

The Team Keith – Another tactical ploy designed to confuse opposition defenders, a player is designated as the ‘Team Keith’ in order to win space at set-pieces. A player is called Keith even if their name is not Keith. Therefore, when the attacking team suggests ‘playing it to Keith’, ‘looking for Keith’s head’ and so forth, the defence won’t know who ‘Keith’ is and will completely balls it up. If the attacking team wants to deploy a Team Keith whilst also fielding a player actually named Keith, the real Keith is renamed either ‘Colin the Tosser’ or ‘Fishfingers’. If a team is fielding more than one player named Keith, it is preferable to rename the Team Keith after the first-born child of the club chairman.

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RGSOAS 2013/2014 Preview

Preview

The 2013/14 football season is going to be big. As the commentariat scrabbles for prominence, Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed is poised to offer the greatest sporting content known to mankind. In this World Cuppiest of World Cup years, plans are in place to secure this site’s place as the foremost authority on football.

RGSOAS will provide the most comprehensive football coverage available anywhere on any of the websites currently in operation. Literally every sentence will be fully comprehensive, with each word packed with meaning. In fact, we vow that each word will mean something – our words will never mean nothing. This is our promise to you.

The depth of our coverage will be deeper than any other outlet on the planet. It will be covered in layers of various bodily fluids, repeatedly, until it forms a hardened crust, virtually impenetrable by conventional DIY tools, for added depth.

This season, RGSOAS will truly be unmissable. If we suspect anyone of missing us, even by mistake, our team of private investigators will find you and hurl hard copies of our incredible sporting words at your stunned face, while bellowing them in your extremely grateful ears. Family members and beloved pets will be kidnapped until guarantees are made that you will be given all the time you need to fully digest and appreciate our unstoppable brilliance.

Here are just some of the magnificent articles you can look forward to this season, as your life is improved beyond all measure:

* Travels Through Time with Gary Neville’s Translucent Moustache – Join us as we finally harness the time-travelling powers of punditry’s most tenuous facial topiary. Expect genocide, hate crimes and Neville’s typically robust use of modern technology.

* Frowning with Stewart Downing – Football’s blandest non-entity is invited to get riled up over the most mundane things, like one of those pricks you find complaining at bus drivers for being late. Our series begins with the Liverpool winger struggling to cope with a package of boil-in-the-bag rice.

* Wayne Rooney Eats Himself Into Oblivion – Read in awe as we document the tragic and ultimately doomed efforts of Manchester United’s want-away striker in comfort-eating his way out of his current mess. With sharp statistical analysis from the number bods at Opta and Pizza Hot 4 U.

* Chris Iwelumo: The Musical – The career of former punchline and current Scunthorpe United striker Chris Iwelumo comes to the stage at last. We delve backstage to chronicle frantic attempts to find words that rhyme with ‘Iwelumo’ before opening night. Starring former Eastenders favourite Michael Greco as the Scottish journeybloke.

* Tony Hibbert Tells You About The Time He Accidentally Got His Own Shit On His Bellend and Stained It Brown Forever – Everything the title suggests and less. Recommended.

* Stuart Taylor – What I’ve Achieved While Sitting On The Bench – Career understudy and purported ‘goalkeeper’ Stuart Taylor releases his long-awaited debut novel, to be serialised exclusively on RGSOAS. Written entirely while sitting on the bench for various football clubs, he waxes lyrical about topics such as Kierkegaard’s dubious reputation as ‘The Father of Existentialism’, peak oil theory and whether you can justify not having a shower after a game if you didn’t sweat during the warm-up.

* Joey Barton’s Big Apology – An old-timey headmaster forces Joey Barton to apologise for everything, reducing the would-be renaissance man to tears with his hectoring tone and refusal to let him outside to play until he’s thought sufficiently about what he’s done.

* Adventures With Jawbones – Week one: Martin Jol. Week two: Martin Jol again.

Joey Barton choix de vie alternatifs – numéro quatre

Bonjour! C’est vrai, un joueur de football qui parle anglais dans une autre langue, essayez de ne pas être trop surpris maintenant hein? Tout simplement parce que le soi-disant ‘Golden (Olden) Génération” n’avaient pas les boules d’être chassés de leur pays pour rejoindre une équipe dans une ville qui se trouve à avoir un faible pour les bien-pensants maniaques, ne signifie pas que vous devez être surpris par moi. Mon but est de Marseille, et il est bon de pouvoir enfin jouer pour une équipe qui me fait. Il sera grand séjour en France, parce que ce sera comme une culture complètement différente de celle que je suis habitué à la maison, où je peux être un voyou vicieux et encore raisonnablement espérer être dépeint comme une victime. En Angleterre, j’ai été étouffé par une absence totale de liberté de création et l’impression que je ne pourrais jamais faire ce que je veux ou être la personne que je voulais être, mais en France, je peux tout à fait heureusement manger des pâtisseries en plein jour dans un ironique t-shirt et chaussures preoposterous sans être appelé un branleur. C’est magnifiquecent! Je n’oublierai pas mes racines bien. C’est comme le grand philosophe français Jean-Michel Jarre a dit, l’amour que nous faisons est égal à cuire les gâteaux que nous. Pouvez-vous imaginer Stevie G disant quelque chose comme ça dans un café français sans ressembler à un ridicule, essayez-dur, récidiviste, merde-pour-cerveaux? Non, ne le pense pas. Certaines personnes ne manquent conscience de soi. Je pars pour nettoyer mes oignons.

Traduction…

Bonjour! That’s right, an English football player speaking in another language, try not to be too surprised now eh? Just because the so-called ‘Golden (Olden) Generation’ lacked the balls to be hounded out of their own country to join a team in a town that happens to have a soft spot for well-meaning maniacs, doesn’t mean you should be surprised by me. I’m dedicated to Marseilles, and it’s good to finally play for a team that gets me. It’ll be great living in France, because it will be like a completely different culture to the one I’m used to at home, where I can be a vicious thug and still realistically hope to be portrayed as a victim. In England I was suffocated by a total lack of creative freedom and felt like I could never do the things I wanted to do or be the person I wanted to be, but in France I can quite happily eat pastries in broad daylight in an ironic t-shirt and preoposterous shoes without being called a tosser. It’s magnifiquecent! I won’t forget my roots though. It’s like the great French philosopher Jean-Michel Jarre said, the love we make is equal to the cakes we bake. Can you imagine Stevie G saying something like that in a French cafe without looking like a ridiculous, try-hard, recidivist, shit-for-brains? Nah, didn’t think so. Some people just lack self-awareness. I’m off to clean my onions.