Everton vs Manchester United – As It Happened

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Last week Robin Van Persie shocked the world not just by leaving Arsenal to sign for rivals Manchester United, but by revealing that he frequently has schizophrenic, cross-generational discourse with ‘the little boy inside him’.

As it turns out, the little boy inside Robin Van Persie was screaming this week not only for Manchester United, but for Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed. Here is an exclusive minute-by-minute report on his United debut versus Everton, from the perspective of Van Persie’s inner child.

My First Game For Manchester United

By Robin Van Persie (age 8)

1 minute – I’m not playing so I’m sitting on a bench with lots of old men. I wish I had my Pogs with me.

12 minutes – Mr. Berbatov keeps saying nasty things about me and he thinks I can’t hear him but I can. I try and tell the manager, but he pretends he can’t hear me. I miss Emmanuel Frimpong, he was my best friend. Berbatov looks like a vampire!

25 minutes – Alex Fergie is a scary man but he has soft white hair and is very nice to me and lets me bounce the ball in his office.

32 minutes – I get scared because I just saw that I’m inside a man! Urgh, all I can see is guts and blood, oh my god this is horrible! Leighton Baines is playing well he is good at football and haircuts.

38 minutes – Mr Berbatov still hates me so I do him a drawing and give it to him so he will like me.

I thought this would cheer up Berbatov but he was still unhappy at me. I did not understand what he said so he wrote it down for me and he said I was a horrible little PUSTULE and that he could crush me with one hammer blow but I do not know what this means??

45 minutes – Forgot to bring pocket money for a drink, but the kitman gave me a bottle of Lucozade for free anyway!!!!

49 minutes – Leon Osman hits the bar, and that is good because he looks like the man that gave me the big injections that time and it hurt a lot 😦

57 minutes – The man with the fluffy hair has scored a goal, and it gets very loud and it makes my ears hurt, and I nearly start crying but I tell Anderson that I look sad because my mum is dead, but she isn’t, and then I feel really bad, and that just makes me more sad so I think about my comics.

68 minutes – I am allowed to join in, and they all let me take a corner as soon as I come on! I kick the ball hard with my foot, and it didn’t hurt or anything. I have new boots and they are very shiny.

70 minutes – I scream a lot for Manchester United, but also, I scream for…. ICE CREAM! Nobody gets me any though, and it’s so unfair because everyone liked me when I said I would leave my friends and play here and now they’re all horrible and won’t let me do anything.

72 minutes

List of things I scream for, by Robin Van Persie (age 8):

Man Yoo
Ice cream (NEOPOLITAN! Without the vanilla bit)
Staying up past bedtime
Summer holidays
Ben 10 

90 minutes – We lost the game and we are all told off, but I’m not sent to bed early and I am given another bottle of Lucozade!! This is the best place ever, EVER. IDST. 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

The Manchester Derby – As It Happened

Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed is the sort of site that never shies away from the big games. In the past, we’ve bought you detailed minute-by-minute reports of the Old Firm derby from the perspective of the match ball, as well as coverage of the Merseyside derby via ScouseBot 3000. Tonight saw Manchester United and Manchester City fight it out for the Premiership crown they both crave, like right greedy bastards. Naturally, we were all over it, and anyone that says we weren’t is lying.

Our latest minute-by-minute report comes to you from my Dad, fresh from an argument, who politely points out that he hates my Mum for her relentless mind games and the spiteful venom that emanates from her very soul. While I listen to my Mum crying in the bath as I worry that this is somehow all my fault and the other children will bully me for not having a proper family, I hand over the reigns to my Dad, who needs to CALM DOWN. Dad, seriously. Cool it. (You can use my laptop if you want, but just do a half-decent write-up on the game, I can’t really be bothered now. I’ve already written an intro for you, but obviously delete this bit in brackets first.)

Dad enjoying a family holiday at Butlins, Minehead.

Hello! Clive here. This is good, isn’t it? I will let you know what happened in the match tonight if you just bear with me as I am new to this, and I’ve been a bit emotional lately.

1 minute – Kick-off. AND IT’S GO, GO, GO! (Murray Walker joke there! Shame he’s dead.)

4 minutes – United will fancy their chances here. They’ve got a good away record, which certainly doesn’t surprise me. It’s not like I’m one to be shocked by the prospect of someone playing away with 11 other men. Isn’t that right Janet, you WHORE?

10 minutes – United are looking very comfortable here. I’m sure they’d feel as tense and anxious as I always do if their wives were all medicated up to the eyeballs every waking hour. I’ve told you a million times, depression isn’t an illness, it’s a type of sadness, Jan!

17 minutes –  Great tackle from Gareth Barry there. He has his critics, but he always works so hard. Is trying so bad really? At least it shows that he’s interested. That can really mean a lot to some people. Or apparently not enough, like when I drove for four bloody hours to go visit your family, only to find they weren’t in because YOU got the dates wrong, you silly old moo, and all you did was moan as if it was my fault somehow.

30 minutes – Nice shot of the Manchester City banner to Sheikh Mansour there. I have my own one in my house. It says : “YOUR DIVORCE LAWYER THANKS YOU, JANET SHED!”.

45 minutesGOALS! Vincent Kompany smacks in the ball with his enormous head. By the look on his face, that goal was better than sex. I’ll have to take his cum-face for it, since I’ve forgotten how that feels due to my non-existent sham of a sex life. A man has needs! (Sex needs)

Half-time – Can’t believe it’s half-time all ready. Where does the time go? In my case, it goes into the crushing duopoly of a loveless marriage and a hateful existence. Off for a pie.

46 minutes – United will have to improve in this half if they want to keep their grip on the Premiership trophy. They lack that extra bit of quality in the final third, and it’s something they might need to address in the summer. They’ve got some good youngsters coming through, but I do worry about their futures. Just like my own kids, they leave me feeling disappointed and hollow. Maybe some experience in the Carling Cup next year might help? If we do get divorced, I guess the equivalent for me and my kids will be taking them to parents evenings. No-one likes going to those. The League Cup of parental responsibility.

52 minutes – Wayne Rooney’s struggling tonight, which is surprising as he’s scored more goals this season than I’ve had hot dinners. And I mean that literally, as my wife is a terrible cook. Isn’t that right, dear? Cooked for Cliff Richard when you were at college, did you? BOLLOCKS.

65 minutes – Ryan Giggs is 37-years-old and is still vital to Manchester United. I’m 52 and I’m made to feel absolutely useless, day in and day out. If Giggs proves anything, it’s that age can bring it’s own intrinsic qualities, and it’s not just about the youngest swinging dick in town, even if he does run his own business and is called Pablo and has a holiday villa in Portugal and is better than me and this is rubbed in my face every day by my own wife. It also proves the preserving quality of pilates.

75 minutes – It’s all kicking off on the touchline between Ferguson and Mancini. Not sure what triggered it, but sometimes an argument can be a healthy thing. Maybe they’ll feel better for it in the morning? It never works for me, but whatever. Perhaps they’re just more caring than most.

82 minutes – An ambitious effort from Yaya Toure goes wide there, but still, it’s nice to see someone with a bit of ambition around here isn’t it? Not like when a certain someone gave up her night classes in French.

88 minutes –  City are minutes away from buying their first title! No doubt they’ll be looking for more new players in the summer, but I’m afraid these fans just don’t realise the value of money. No one does these days. Piles of debt and for what? More misery and despair, with the added anxiety of bills to pay at the end of it. This applies to both my life and the point I was just making about the game there. FUCK YOU, JANET!

Full time – City win, and surely the title is now theirs! It’s the stuff that dreams are made of. I remember when I had dreams. It was bloody ages ago.

The Merseyside Derby – As It Happened

After the pioneering minute-by-minute review of last year’s Old Firm derby, Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed has further journalistic ground to break, in time for tonight’s Merseyside derby at Anfield. Evoking the spirit of Liverpool’s number-crunching moneyball ethos, we have spared no expense in developing the newest technology that will provide state-of-the-art commentary of tonight’s game against Everton. Let Steve Jobs’s demise be not in vain, as computers continue to improve our lives beyond measure.

Introducing ScouseBot3000

Made with the latest ClicheChip microtechnology and calibrated with the trimmed moustache debris of Terry McDermott, it is ready to report in the most deadly accurate manner on tonight’s game. There may be a few teething problems, but we’re sure you’ll be delighted with the results – unlike the supporters of whichever side doesn’t win tonight!!! Funny stuff, but we’ll leave the rest of the jokes to ScouseBot

1 minute –  <Running ‘mawkish symbolism of Liver bird’ sequence….OK>

2 minutesScouseBot3000 notices that it is David Moyes’s 10th birthday. An e-card has been sent to the e-mail address ‘Moyesy@hotmail.co.uk’ with the theme ‘Justin Bieber’.

7 minutes – Jordan Henderson has a shot blocked by Jack Rodwell after good work by Luis Suarez. Failed to initiate ‘Henderson Celebration’ sequence. This program has been inactive for some time. Open Control Panel to uninstall.

10 minutes – Leighton Baines cuts the ball back on the left to Steven Pienaar, who shoots over from inside the box. ‘Operation Pienaar Reboot’ 62% complete. Please restart.

22 minutes – Jordan Henderson misplaces a simple pass. ScouseBot3000 calculates that, with the money Liverpool stand to make from their new kit deal, they could afford to buy Jordan Henderson again. ScouseBot3000 advises against this. Would you like to run Jordan Henderson’s season 2011/2012 statistics? <ERROR – Forced closedown>

<run ScouseBot3000 restart>

<Load Merseyside derby minute-by-minute report>

<Load The Beatles reference macro>

<ScouseBot3000 – continue from previous session>

34 minutesGOAL! Liverpool’s Steven Gerrard curls in a lob from the edge of the box. Pop band The Beatles came from Liverpool.

39 minutes – A Leighton Baines cross is met by the head of Denis Stracqualursi ten yards out, but Pepe Reina saves. The Beatles were known as ‘The Fab Four’, due to being both fabulous and fourbulous.

45 minutes – The half-time score is Liverpool 1 Everton 0. <end first half>

Half-time – Initiating geographical cliché program – Goodison Park and Anfield are a stone’s throw apart from each other. DERBYFACT: Comedian Stan Boardman once attempted to prove this during ITV’s 1992 Telethon, but could not find a stone. Angry viewers rescinded their charitable donations, and the event was subsequently scrapped, owing thousands of pounds to the nation’s impoverished.

46 minutes – End hibernation mode. Commence second half.

51 minutes – GOAL! Steven Gerrard scores his second goal of the game after driving the ball home from ten yards. Steven Gerrard’s favourite Beatle is Steve McManaman. The Liverpools are from Beatle.

62 minutes – Everton deploy ‘Desperate Triple Substitution’ sequence – Seamus Coleman, Denis Stacqualursi and Victor Anichebe off, Leon Osman, Nikica Jelavic and Royston Drenthe on.

70 minutes – Scandal magnet Luis Suarez latches on to an Andy Carroll through-ball, but squanders the chance. That shot was as bad as Your 30-day trial of Metaphorio has expired. Please visit our website to renew your subscription.

78 minutes – Suarez is involved again, chasing a Stewart Downing pass, before being hauled down by Leighton Baines. Suarez reacts graciously. Input formula ‘=SPORTSMANSHIP, LUIS SUAREZ + ANYONE’ – formula error, unknown script.

93 minutes – GOAL! Steven Gerrard breaks from the half-way line, before playing a one-two with Luis Suarez in the box, resulting in an easy finish to seal his hat-trick. Would you like to run the file Phil Collins – Against All Odds.mp3?

<ERROR – no soundcard installed>

Full time – Liverpool beat Everton 3-0. Running ‘Liverpool celebration’ sequence…

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