The Punchlines of Adrian Chiles

Adrian Chiles is a television personality par excellence. It is well known that he cannot be beaten in terms of quality, value or smell, but he also boasts a magical sense of humour. He is such a jovial man that he has been known to bring smiles to the faces of people who have suffered bereavements only minutes previously; his personal best is making someone titter politely within seven minutes of becoming a widow.


Chiles is the not-insubstantial face of ITV, and when his vast skull isn’t being used as a storage facility for Ant and Dec’s wardrobe, he uses his brain to think of magnificent jokes to make a nation laugh. His creativity knows no bounds, and he frequently fills up notebooks with punchlines ready for use at peak ‘Chiles-time’; this is the industry term coined for those periods either side of an ad break, when he says something hilarious over clips of Theo Walcott shooting tamely wide, and begs people not to stop being interested in football.

Of course, no genius is without his flaws. For all the punchlines he creates, he can rarely come up with set-ups to accompany them, and feeds them to a team of producers to try and make them work for him. After a controversial mugging incident, Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed has obtained a notepad, featuring a small but superb clutch of half-quips that will soon delight you all. Each one is augmented with an exclamation mark, which Chiles deploys to signify his trademark inflection of avuncular whimsy. Read them, cherish them and imagine how they may one day take flight in your grandest dreams to finally make your life whole.

* It wasn’t the first time he would’ve been caught offside!

* I thought you said ‘onion bag’!

* Not until the next transfer window at any rate!

* It’s not even the worst thing about being on the bench!

* That’s not what he said in his programme notes!

* Well, that’s a referee’s assistant for you!

* In the end, it was the agent that left with all the turnips!

* And THAT’S why they call me the Jake of Snake of chocolate cake!

* Wes Brown can’t even spell hysterectomy, much less perform one!

* If it looks like an acorn and tastes like an acorn, it probably is an acorn!

* His wife was dead the whole time!

* Don’t mind if I poo!

* Slow and steady wins the teddy!

* Schmeep!

Adrian Chiles

You may remember me from such RGSOAS classics as ‘Adrian Chiles: Improv Workshop Gobshite’


Jimmy Bullard’s Top Ten Fings What Are Even Better ‘An Banter Wiff Da Lads


#10 Del Boy falling through the bar (you plonker!)
#9 A new pair of well white trainers
#8 The Only Way Is Essex
#7 A proper fry-up with extra black pudding
#6 Erm, dunno, the number 6!? LOL
#5 He-Man! (Legend M8)
#4 M8s
#3 A nice pint of nut-brown ale
#2 Finding a toy in your cereal (don’t think they do this anymore)
#1 Penicillin

Why always thee? (A rebuttal)


– Your diet lacks fibre
– You are very bad at most board games
– You’ve seen Inception six times and are still extremely puzzled
– You’ve never been tempted to even try Guinness
– You’ve never had a shave without cutting yourself at least thrice
– It took you a very long time to learn how to tie your shoelaces, a very long time
– When you dance you jerk spasmodically and unattractively, like Ian Curtis watching Tron
– You are an inept and charmless flirt, despite your wealth and youth
– You find Hollyoaks gripping
– You are easily flustered by the basic mechanics of flossing