RGSOAS 2013/2014 Preview

Preview

The 2013/14 football season is going to be big. As the commentariat scrabbles for prominence, Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed is poised to offer the greatest sporting content known to mankind. In this World Cuppiest of World Cup years, plans are in place to secure this site’s place as the foremost authority on football.

RGSOAS will provide the most comprehensive football coverage available anywhere on any of the websites currently in operation. Literally every sentence will be fully comprehensive, with each word packed with meaning. In fact, we vow that each word will mean something – our words will never mean nothing. This is our promise to you.

The depth of our coverage will be deeper than any other outlet on the planet. It will be covered in layers of various bodily fluids, repeatedly, until it forms a hardened crust, virtually impenetrable by conventional DIY tools, for added depth.

This season, RGSOAS will truly be unmissable. If we suspect anyone of missing us, even by mistake, our team of private investigators will find you and hurl hard copies of our incredible sporting words at your stunned face, while bellowing them in your extremely grateful ears. Family members and beloved pets will be kidnapped until guarantees are made that you will be given all the time you need to fully digest and appreciate our unstoppable brilliance.

Here are just some of the magnificent articles you can look forward to this season, as your life is improved beyond all measure:

* Travels Through Time with Gary Neville’s Translucent Moustache – Join us as we finally harness the time-travelling powers of punditry’s most tenuous facial topiary. Expect genocide, hate crimes and Neville’s typically robust use of modern technology.

* Frowning with Stewart Downing – Football’s blandest non-entity is invited to get riled up over the most mundane things, like one of those pricks you find complaining at bus drivers for being late. Our series begins with the Liverpool winger struggling to cope with a package of boil-in-the-bag rice.

* Wayne Rooney Eats Himself Into Oblivion – Read in awe as we document the tragic and ultimately doomed efforts of Manchester United’s want-away striker in comfort-eating his way out of his current mess. With sharp statistical analysis from the number bods at Opta and Pizza Hot 4 U.

* Chris Iwelumo: The Musical – The career of former punchline and current Scunthorpe United striker Chris Iwelumo comes to the stage at last. We delve backstage to chronicle frantic attempts to find words that rhyme with ‘Iwelumo’ before opening night. Starring former Eastenders favourite Michael Greco as the Scottish journeybloke.

* Tony Hibbert Tells You About The Time He Accidentally Got His Own Shit On His Bellend and Stained It Brown Forever – Everything the title suggests and less. Recommended.

* Stuart Taylor – What I’ve Achieved While Sitting On The Bench – Career understudy and purported ‘goalkeeper’ Stuart Taylor releases his long-awaited debut novel, to be serialised exclusively on RGSOAS. Written entirely while sitting on the bench for various football clubs, he waxes lyrical about topics such as Kierkegaard’s dubious reputation as ‘The Father of Existentialism’, peak oil theory and whether you can justify not having a shower after a game if you didn’t sweat during the warm-up.

* Joey Barton’s Big Apology – An old-timey headmaster forces Joey Barton to apologise for everything, reducing the would-be renaissance man to tears with his hectoring tone and refusal to let him outside to play until he’s thought sufficiently about what he’s done.

* Adventures With Jawbones – Week one: Martin Jol. Week two: Martin Jol again.

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