The Swansea Ballboy Spin-Off Showcase

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When Charlie Morgan made a name for himself by being booted by Belgian punctuality-Nazi Eden Hazard, he wasn’t so much kicked in the guts, as kicked headfirst into the glamorous world of celebrity. Having already acquired the services of a top showbiz agent, Morgan is now uniquely placed to capitalise on his new-found fame as the world’s oldest and most obnoxious ballboy. He has already been courted with lucrative offers of television work, as producers and network executives fall over themselves to produce a bigger pile of shit than Tom Daley’s Splash!, which is literally, honest-to-God, much worse than the ludicrous suggestions that you’re about to read, and that is the actual, stunning truth.

  • Ballboy’s Time Capsules – Ballboy is asked to react to various historical events in order to understand how modern society has been affected by them. Ballboy responds to footage of the Twin Towers collapsing by rolling on the floor and clutching his ribs. Audiences are reduced to tears when he is shown archive footage of Auschwitz for the first time, and rolls around on the floor clutching his ribs.
  • A Kick In The Ribs – Sitcom centred around the original odd couple! Hazard, unable to keep track of his hectic lifestyle, decides to advertise for a live-in intern to carry out various mundane tasks. Guess who the only applicant is! After initial reservations, Hazard is won over by Ballboy’s ability to delay things for preposterous amounts of time, which gets the Belgian waif out of all sorts of approximately 22-minute long jams. Ballboy will respond to setbacks with the endearing catchphrase “Well ain’t that a kick in the ribs!”, which the nation will take to its gnarled heart. With hilarious results!
  • Balls, Ball, Bulls, Bawls, Boys, Buoys,  Bhoys and Balls – Exciting gameshow in which Ballboy advises a gaggle of celebrity guests on how to effectively retrieve and return an array of footballs, Bobby Ball, cattle, crying babies, pre-pubescent men, flotation devices, Celtic fans and testicles. Presented by Zoe Ball and Steve Bull, with music by Michael Ball.
  • Yes, Could I Get The Ribs Please? Thank You. Does That Come With Any Sauce On The Side? They’re Covered In A Sauce Are They? I See. Thanks. That’s Great. Yeah, I’ll Take The Ribs Then – Cumbersomely-titled cookery show, where Ballboy only cooks ribs to various recipes. Each show ends with Ballboy gingerly cradling his culinary creation on the floor, grimacing in light- to non-pain, to the live accompaniment of the latest indie sounds.
  • Ballboy Be Not Proud – Moving Dickensian drama in which a put-upon Ballboy struggles to cope with life in the poorhouse, collecting footballs for a pittance. A real test of Ballboy’s acting chops, which he will fail dismally, on account of being a ballboy. Starring James Nesbit.
  • Ribbed For Your Pleasure – Ballboy plays a sexed-up, sexy Ballboy in this erotic drama aimed at teenagers. Pitched as ‘Grange Hill meets Very Big Erections VII’, he seduces a succession of luvverly gurls by demonstrating the bacchanalian pleasures of being kicked in the ribs whilst performing various and sundry ‘acts’. Harrowing erotica that will challenge the viewer’s perceptions on all sorts of things.
  • Charlie Morgan: My Year In Balls – Fly-on the-‘ball’ (!) documentary following the bumbling Ball Circulation Operative as he attempts to kickstart a perfectly disgusting career in pop music, or musical theatre, or half-scripted improvisational ‘lifestyle’ farces, simply because he feels it is his God-given right never to work a day in his life ever again because all the people he hangs around with are spoilt, cossetted twats with more money than brains.
  • Balls To The Wall – Celebrities are invited to gently slap their genitals against their favourite walls, as Ballboy seeks to raise awareness of testicular cancer amongst teenagers by recording the sounds of scrotum on brick to sample for his debut album.
"The world must bear witness to my manifold talents."

“The world must bear witness to my manifold talents.”

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One thought on “The Swansea Ballboy Spin-Off Showcase

  1. Pingback: The RGSOAS Review of 2013 | Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed

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