John Terry: I’m Not A Racist

Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed is no stranger to delivering sizey scoops, and today we can exclusively reveal the defence that John ‘John Terry denies the charge’ Terry will unveil to a jury at Westminster Magistrates Court.

On Monday he will battle with trademark bravery to clear his name of allegations that he is a racist, placing his brave head in the way of imminent danger of prosecution with the typically defiant charge-denial for which he has become synonymous. After months of denying the charge in the privacy of his own home, he will at last be given a public platform upon which to deny the charge in full view, so his charge-denying can be judged entirely on its own merits. After months of consultation with an expertly-assembled team of charge-denying experts, it has been decided that the no-charge Chelsea champion will give a heartfelt recital of this poem, which is expected to leave jurors in floods of horrible tears. Terry has spoken to team-mates of his hope that denying this charge will finally demonstrate his ability to deny charges to a world-class level, with a view to denying more charges in the future. However, with his career winding down, pundits suspect that he can no longer deny charges as he used to several years ago, and that he may need to deny charges in a more lucrative market, such as the MLS, where he can deny American charges, such as allegations of jaywalking (which Terry’s legal team is quick to point out is something that their client pre-emptively denies any and all charges of).

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