Hello, England! How are you? You look terrible. Eat more oily fish.
Today I invite you all to join Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed in a game of England Euro 2012 Bingo!
The rules are simple: watch England fumble their way through their latest major tournament seizure, and during the broadcast of each match, tick the boxes as and when each cliche is dusted off like so many dreadful party pieces by spoilt cousins at family functions when you (YOU) were a child. Post your comments here, blow the RGSOAS bugle on Twitter, or simply nail a handwritten note to a beloved family pet and hurl it into a policeman’s face. IT’S YOUR GAME!
My hope is that this bingo card will go viral, and boozed up men-on-the-shag will print them off at work before going to ‘Spoon’s to indulge their already-bloated WKD sides, Laughing Out Louding as the Three Lions bumble inadequately like Hugh Grant in a rom-com of which even he would feel rightly ashamed. This bingoesque japesheet will be the equivalent of the sort of plastic tat that The Sun pumps out by the square ton every year at Wimbledon, as Waitrose shoppers fop their way around Henman Hill with tabloid-sponsored non-biodegradable novelty hats.
I shall post updates after each game, so you can see just how I keep all nine of my fingers on the pulse.
THERE WILL BE NO PRIZE FOR THE WINNER. GO AWAY.