Joey Barton’s Alternative Lifestyle Choices #5

This week I have been snacking on roasted monkey nuts, because I find them delicious, like crunchy, dried-up pellets of peanut butter. Frankly I don’t see what’s controversial about this, or even interesting, but that’s the point I’m making in this experiment of mine. I’m not a performing seal. I’m not here to win your approval. I’m not a figure of fun, or an entertainment for your viewing pleasure. Sometimes I like to eat nuts and that’s that. What other footballer is put under this much scrutiny just because he likes to snack on nuts? Frankly, I never used to like nuts and I’ve only recently come round to them somehow, but I’m a changed man. I have reformed, and now monkey nuts and I get on better than ever. If you’d offered me some monkey nuts while I was still at City, I would’ve punched them everywhere. Yes, we all know that. But not anymore. That Joey Barton is in the past. I’m sorry if that’s “boring” and doesn’t “sell” “papers”. I’m off to eat some nuts now – put that in your gossip column, nuggets.

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