UEFA president Michel Platini has vowed to conduct a root-and-branch investigation after Leo Messi’s five Champions League goals against Bayer Leverkusen prompted further allegations by commentators that they “have run out of superlatives.”
Platini has been known for some time to be frustrated at the lack of fresh superlatives in the modern game, and will speak with representatives of various global governing bodies to ask them why new adjectives are not being brought through club youth systems.
Fresh scrutiny will be applied to the loan system in England, which is increasingly seeing superlatives being signed by bigger clubs, who stockpile them to prevent other teams from using them in sentences.
“Take the word ‘adroit’, for example,” spake Platini, “No-one ever describes a Messi goal using such a word, because they never use it to describe, say, a Rory Delap long throw. We need new superlatives at all levels of the game.”
Platini has suggested the temporary measure of taking the opposing team’s name and combining it with their goalkeeper’s mother’s maiden name in order to create new superlatives to describe Messi. However, his coach at Barcelona, Pep Guardiola, said: “It’s a ridiculous idea, and will surely overlap with the ‘make your porn star name’ game. It would be a logistical nightmare.”
In a statement released by his club, Messi said that the situation has left him feeling “intracontraporterificrollitoriorialish.”