Rare Alan Shearer goals discovered in spinster’s loft

Football fans awoke today to the surprising news that some previously unscored goals by Alan Shearer have surfaced in an old woman’s home in Gateshead.

The cache of 28 missing strikes was found by retired schoolteacher Anne Grimley in the loft of her home, which was previously owned by a Newcastle United fan, several years ago, but told no-one, saying “I didn’t think they’d fetch sixpence.”

The goals occured between the years of 1998 and 2001, and take Shearer’s overall club career tally to 567, but despite the reinstatement of the goals, he still has no further trophies to his name. The poacher-turned-pundit responded to the news with typically dull candour, saying: “I’m surprised, obviously, at this surprise. It’s surprising. I just hit it and it’s went in.” The insufferable dullard vows to spend an hour running in his garden with his customary hand aloft in solitary celebration. The goals will be donated to Andy Carroll.

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