RGSOAS has invested no small amount of time and money on some groundbreaking research, which has found that renowned footballing genius Lionel Messi is actually shit. We publish this stunning revelation just as voting for the World Player of the Year is underway, in the hope that this unfortunate misperception can finally be corrected. Only then will the game’s genuine talents, such as the ironically-good-but-actually-not good-footballer’s ironically-good-but-actually-not-good-footballer Karl Henry, be given the credit they deserve.
Here, in full, are the reasons why Leo Messi is not very good. Tell everyone.
…he hasn’t seen a single episode of The Wire
…he can only manage two Weetabix, even when he’s really hungry
…he has to get his Mum to do his tie up for him when he goes to collect his Ballon D’Or
…he rarely eats his five a day
…he looks like a dimwitted cartoon sloth made flesh
…he puts very little thought into Christmas gifts
…he has no idea what the acronym FIFA represents
…he’s only ever read three books, and one of them was by Dan Brown
…he doesn’t have the first clue what spices match which meat
…he is easily distracted by advertising hoardings when footballing
…he has never persevered for longer than 18 seconds with a Rubik’s Cube
…he couldn’t locate Barbados on a globe
…he is a borderline ‘freaky eater’
…he always puts the straw completely through Capri-Sun pouches
…he rarely finishes his dinner and yet always helps himself to pudding
…he has the same hairdresser as Paul Merton
…is absolutely useless without at least nine hours of sleep. Nine!
…he secretly finds Barcelona’s tiki-taka passing style to be quite mundane