I DECLARE THIS LETTER OPEN
I can’t help but notice that your club, Everton Football Club, has no strikers. Since Louis Saha’s untimely death, and Victor Anichebe’s untimely birth, you’ve clearly struggled up front. Thankfully, I know a thing or two about football (see previous sentence, wherein I correctly spell the names of two notable football figures), and have devised some revolutionary concepts designed to overcome this notable handicap.
- Firstly, are you absolutely certain that you’ve looked everywhere? And I mean ‘everywhere’? These things turn up in unexpected places, ie, the back of the sofa, cupboards etc. James Beattie hasn’t been seen in a while, is it possible that he might not be knocking around somewhere, in the room where the Lucozade is kept, perhaps?
- Why not take two defenders from your youth team and get one to sit on the other’s shoulders, whilst wearing a fake moustache and an extra-large Everton shirt with a number nine on it? I know what you’re thinking: why take two child defenders when I could just take two child strikers? This is a good idea, but no. Their wages would be prohibitively expensive, especially given the added overhead of novelty moustaches and comically oversized football shirts.
- Inquire as to the availability of Ray Winstone’s monolithic, floating head from the Bet365 adverts:
- Pros: Good in air; low injury risk; very low financial outlay required on boots, socks, etc; surprisingly deft touch for a massive animated head.
- Cons: Unproven at top level; tremendous strain on computer animator’s wrists.
- Just act like it isn’t true that you have no strikers. Flood post-match interviews, programme notes and so forth with even more empty cliché than usual. Say things like: “It’s no secret that the competition up front is fierce, but it’s a nice problem to have”, “It’s hard keeping so many strikers happy, but goals win games, so it’s a nice problem to have”, and so on. Like Father Ted kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse, the football world will be totally nonplussed by your ignorance of the whole thing, and it will be absorbed by the football community thanks to the twin wonders of received opinion and ignorance.
- Ask your groundsman to install a moveable halfway line, which can be manipulated via a system of pulleys. Depending on the half, move it closer to the defending goal so the attacking half appears bigger, thus making it easier for defenders and midfielders to flood the box. Supporters will barely notice that you have no forwards.
- Male porn stars shave their balls and pubis in order to create the illusion that their penis is bigger; shave Marouane Fellaini’s head?