The Merseyside Derby – As It Happened

After the pioneering minute-by-minute review of last year’s Old Firm derby, Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed has further journalistic ground to break, in time for tonight’s Merseyside derby at Anfield. Evoking the spirit of Liverpool’s number-crunching moneyball ethos, we have spared no expense in developing the newest technology that will provide state-of-the-art commentary of tonight’s game against Everton. Let Steve Jobs’s demise be not in vain, as computers continue to improve our lives beyond measure.

Introducing ScouseBot3000…

Made with the latest ClicheChip microtechnology and calibrated with the trimmed moustache debris of Terry McDermott, it is ready to report in the most deadly accurate manner on tonight’s game. There may be a few teething problems, but we’re sure you’ll be delighted with the results – unlike the supporters of whichever side doesn’t win tonight!!! Funny stuff, but we’ll leave the rest of the jokes to ScouseBot…

1 minute –  <Running ‘mawkish symbolism of Liver bird’ sequence….OK>

2 minutes – ScouseBot3000 notices that it is David Moyes’s 10th birthday. An e-card has been sent to the e-mail address ‘Moyesy@hotmail.co.uk’ with the theme ‘Justin Bieber’.

7 minutes – Jordan Henderson has a shot blocked by Jack Rodwell after good work by Luis Suarez. Failed to initiate ‘Henderson Celebration’ sequence. This program has been inactive for some time. Open Control Panel to uninstall.

10 minutes – Leighton Baines cuts the ball back on the left to Steven Pienaar, who shoots over from inside the box. ‘Operation Pienaar Reboot’ 62% complete. Please restart.

22 minutes – Jordan Henderson misplaces a simple pass. ScouseBot3000 calculates that, with the money Liverpool stand to make from their new kit deal, they could afford to buy Jordan Henderson again. ScouseBot3000 advises against this. Would you like to run Jordan Henderson’s season 2011/2012 statistics? <ERROR – Forced closedown>

<run ScouseBot3000 restart>

<Load Merseyside derby minute-by-minute report>

<Load The Beatles reference macro>

<ScouseBot3000 – continue from previous session>

34 minutes – GOAL! Liverpool’s Steven Gerrard curls in a lob from the edge of the box. Pop band The Beatles came from Liverpool.

39 minutes – A Leighton Baines cross is met by the head of Denis Stracqualursi ten yards out, but Pepe Reina saves. The Beatles were known as ‘The Fab Four’, due to being both fabulous and fourbulous.

45 minutes – The half-time score is Liverpool 1 Everton 0. <end first half>

Half-time – Initiating geographical cliché program – Goodison Park and Anfield are a stone’s throw apart from each other. DERBYFACT: Comedian Stan Boardman once attempted to prove this during ITV’s 1992 Telethon, but could not find a stone. Angry viewers rescinded their charitable donations, and the event was subsequently scrapped, owing thousands of pounds to the nation’s impoverished.

46 minutes – End hibernation mode. Commence second half.

51 minutes - GOAL! Steven Gerrard scores his second goal of the game after driving the ball home from ten yards. Steven Gerrard’s favourite Beatle is Steve McManaman. The Liverpools are from Beatle.

62 minutes - Everton deploy ‘Desperate Triple Substitution’ sequence – Seamus Coleman, Denis Stacqualursi and Victor Anichebe off, Leon Osman, Nikica Jelavic and Royston Drenthe on.

70 minutes - Scandal magnet Luis Suarez latches on to an Andy Carroll through-ball, but squanders the chance. That shot was as bad as Your 30-day trial of Metaphorio has expired. Please visit our website to renew your subscription.

78 minutes - Suarez is involved again, chasing a Stewart Downing pass, before being hauled down by Leighton Baines. Suarez reacts graciously. Input formula ‘=SPORTSMANSHIP, LUIS SUAREZ + ANYONE’ – formula error, unknown script.

93 minutes - GOAL! Steven Gerrard breaks from the half-way line, before playing a one-two with Luis Suarez in the box, resulting in an easy finish to seal his hat-trick. Would you like to run the file Phil Collins – Against All Odds.mp3?

<ERROR – no soundcard installed>

Full time - Liverpool beat Everton 3-0. Running ‘Liverpool celebration’ sequence…

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RGSOAS Previews 2012 With Misplaced Bombast

2012 is now lumbering towards us, with its drunken breath and unwelcomely aggressive body language, and it will be a big year for football. It will be an even bigger year for Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed. We will strive to bring you even more cutting edge journalism and hard-hitting investigation than you could ever possibly wish to digest. Here we offer a preview of some of the highlights that you can look forward to in the nearly-future.

Stefan Effenberg Eats Battenberg - Deliciously assonant tea-time titillation.

Is Muzzy Izzet 90% Water? – The truth will amaze you.

What Do Premiership Managers Know of the Beastie Boys? – In-depth survey uncovering the startling affinity between Martin Jol and Ad-Rock.

Bumdesliga! – Germany’s top flight gets bawdy.

Robbie Fowler and the Nasal Breathing Strip Trend – A retrospective look on how it foreshadowed global financial crisis.

How to Recommend Players to People – People like a fella who’s helpful in that way. Recommended.

Garth Crooks Gesticulates Wildly – While jabbering inanely.

All-Time Classic Walls – A nostalgic look back at the best defensive walls of all time (foreword by Ilunga Mwepu).

Classic Commentary Gaffes – Featuring your favourite mispronounciations, spoonerisms and malapropisms. Including “Weffield Shednesday”, “Barca-boner”, “Jobby Charlton” and more.

How Stewart Downing Would React To Bad News - A series of harrowing preconstructions wherein football’s prominent bore reacts to awful news.