“You’re the birthday, you’re the birthday, you’re the birthday boy or blog”
Rejoice, for RGSOAS is now twelve months old.
To summarise the fun we’ve all been having together, here is a word cloud of every single syllable that’s been farted out of the trap of the most electrifying presence in the thrilling world of football blogging:
However, based on various hunches and insidious whispers I’ve been hearing, I decided to remove any words that directly refer to Judaism. And when I do that, an interesting thing happens:
Needless to say, I tweeted the FBI at once. They are yet to reply.
I won’t let this ruin the fun though, and I invite you all to join me in the celebrations. On Saturday we will be playing pass the parcel on Twitter – tweet me (@RGSOAS) the hashtag #passtheparcel to receive a unique gift. Jean-Michel Jarre will be on hand for a live performance of Rendez-Vu ’98, ITV’s theme tune for the France World Cup. Your favourite football figures will be mildly harrassed for your pleasure. And less!
Hello new readers! Have you been on holiday? You look great!
If you have been sent here by the Guardian website’s ‘Our favourite things this week’ section, we need to address the following things:
1 –We bear no ill will that we have been selected for this monumental honour on a bank holiday week, automatically cutting short our moment in the sun. Any suggestion that Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed will firebomb Rob Smyth’s house is purely paper talk, and anyway we don’t know where he lives.
2 – Equally, there is no resentment over the fact that they have failed to acknowledge the true name of this blog, preventing untold progress in terms of raising brand awareness. We have sent an inquisitive e-mail to celebrated PR guru Max Clifford, seeking his advice.
Now that we’re all friends, why not sit a while and see what else is on offer? Why not wallow in the muck of lust, as Sexy Football regales you with some sizzling hot erotica? How about looking at The Reducer – a mere second of looking at a funny picture can provide you with a mere second of joy, so treat yourself! We also have Joey Barton’s Lifestyle Choices, where football’s answer to Nathan Barley impresses us with his clean-living regime. There is also Paul Ince’s Reminiscences, Minute-By-Minutes and, much, much more! And more! You can subscribe to the blog, and receive an e-mail to tell you whenever I’ve spouted fresh guff. You can also follow us on Twitter (@RGSOAS), to see what I think about when I’m sitting on the turlet at work. You can even hire a private investigator to find out where I live, and break in to my home to surprise me after a hard day’s work – the first reader to do so will win a mystery prize*!
So please, let your stay be not short, and let’s all be friends. GROUP HUG! (Please e-mail or tweet to confirm that you have hugged your PC screen, laptop, or mobile device. Full group hug figures will then be posted soon after.)
2012 is now lumbering towards us, with its drunken breath and unwelcomely aggressive body language, and it will be a big year for football. It will be an even bigger year for Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed. We will strive to bring you even more cutting edge journalism and hard-hitting investigation than you could ever possibly wish to digest. Here we offer a preview of some of the highlights that you can look forward to in the nearly-future.
Stefan Effenberg Eats Battenberg - Deliciously assonant tea-time titillation.
Is Muzzy Izzet 90% Water? – The truth will amaze you.
What Do Premiership Managers Know of the Beastie Boys? – In-depth survey uncovering the startling affinity between Martin Jol and Ad-Rock.
Bumdesliga! – Germany’s top flight gets bawdy.
Robbie Fowler and the Nasal Breathing Strip Trend – A retrospective look on how it foreshadowed global financial crisis.
How to Recommend Players to People – People like a fella who’s helpful in that way. Recommended.
Garth Crooks Gesticulates Wildly – While jabbering inanely.
All-Time Classic Walls – A nostalgic look back at the best defensive walls of all time (foreword by Ilunga Mwepu).
Classic Commentary Gaffes – Featuring your favourite mispronounciations, spoonerisms and malapropisms. Including “Weffield Shednesday”, “Barca-boner”, “Jobby Charlton” and more.
How Stewart Downing Would React To Bad News- A series of harrowing preconstructions wherein football’s prominent bore reacts to awful news.