UEFA president Michel Platini has vowed to conduct a root-and-branch investigation after Leo Messi’s five Champions League goals against Bayer Leverkusen prompted further allegations by commentators that they “have run out of superlatives.”
Platini has been known for some time to be frustrated at the lack of fresh superlatives in the modern game, and will speak with representatives of various global governing bodies to ask them why new adjectives are not being brought through club youth systems.
Fresh scrutiny will be applied to the loan system in England, which is increasingly seeing superlatives being signed by bigger clubs, who stockpile them to prevent other teams from using them in sentences.
“Take the word ‘adroit’, for example,” spake Platini, “No-one ever describes a Messi goal using such a word, because they never use it to describe, say, a Rory Delap long throw. We need new superlatives at all levels of the game.”
Platini has suggested the temporary measure of taking the opposing team’s name and combining it with their goalkeeper’s mother’s maiden name in order to create new superlatives to describe Messi. However, his coach at Barcelona, Pep Guardiola, said: “It’s a ridiculous idea, and will surely overlap with the ‘make your porn star name’ game. It would be a logistical nightmare.”
In a statement released by his club, Messi said that the situation has left him feeling “intracontraporterificrollitoriorialish.”
RGSOAS has invested no small amount of time and money on some groundbreaking research, which has found that renowned footballing genius Lionel Messi is actually shit. We publish this stunning revelation just as voting for the World Player of the Year is underway, in the hope that this unfortunate misperception can finally be corrected. Only then will the game’s genuine talents, such as the ironically-good-but-actually-not good-footballer’s ironically-good-but-actually-not-good-footballer Karl Henry, be given the credit they deserve.
Here, in full, are the reasons why Leo Messi is not very good. Tell everyone.
…he hasn’t seen a single episode of The Wire
…he can only manage two Weetabix, even when he’s really hungry
…he has to get his Mum to do his tie up for him when he goes to collect his Ballon D’Or
…he rarely eats his five a day
…he looks like a dimwitted cartoon sloth made flesh
…he puts very little thought into Christmas gifts
…he has no idea what the acronym FIFA represents
…he’s only ever read three books, and one of them was by Dan Brown
…he doesn’t have the first clue what spices match which meat
…he is easily distracted by advertising hoardings when footballing
…he has never persevered for longer than 18 seconds with a Rubik’s Cube
…he couldn’t locate Barbados on a globe
…he is a borderline ‘freaky eater’
…he always puts the straw completely through Capri-Sun pouches
…he rarely finishes his dinner and yet always helps himself to pudding
…he has the same hairdresser as Paul Merton
…is absolutely useless without at least nine hours of sleep. Nine!
…he secretly finds Barcelona’s tiki-taka passing style to be quite mundane