Last week Robin Van Persie shocked the world not just by leaving Arsenal to sign for rivals Manchester United, but by revealing that he frequently has schizophrenic, cross-generational discourse with ‘the little boy inside him’.
As it turns out, the little boy inside Robin Van Persie was screaming this week not only for Manchester United, but for Ruud Gullit Sitting On A Shed. Here is an exclusive minute-by-minute report on his United debut versus Everton, from the perspective of Van Persie’s inner child.
My First Game For Manchester United
By Robin Van Persie (age 8)
1 minute – I’m not playing so I’m sitting on a bench with lots of old men. I wish I had my Pogs with me.
12 minutes – Mr. Berbatov keeps saying nasty things about me and he thinks I can’t hear him but I can. I try and tell the manager, but he pretends he can’t hear me. I miss Emmanuel Frimpong, he was my best friend. Berbatov looks like a vampire!
25 minutes – Alex Fergie is a scary man but he has soft white hair and is very nice to me and lets me bounce the ball in his office.
32 minutes – I get scared because I just saw that I’m inside a man! Urgh, all I can see is guts and blood, oh my god this is horrible! Leighton Baines is playing well he is good at football and haircuts.
38 minutes – Mr Berbatov still hates me so I do him a drawing and give it to him so he will like me.
45 minutes – Forgot to bring pocket money for a drink, but the kitman gave me a bottle of Lucozade for free anyway!!!!
49 minutes – Leon Osman hits the bar, and that is good because he looks like the man that gave me the big injections that time and it hurt a lot
57 minutes – The man with the fluffy hair has scored a goal, and it gets very loud and it makes my ears hurt, and I nearly start crying but I tell Anderson that I look sad because my mum is dead, but she isn’t, and then I feel really bad, and that just makes me more sad so I think about my comics.
68 minutes – I am allowed to join in, and they all let me take a corner as soon as I come on! I kick the ball hard with my foot, and it didn’t hurt or anything. I have new boots and they are very shiny.
70 minutes – I scream a lot for Manchester United, but also, I scream for…. ICE CREAM! Nobody gets me any though, and it’s so unfair because everyone liked me when I said I would leave my friends and play here and now they’re all horrible and won’t let me do anything.
72 minutes -
List of things I scream for, by Robin Van Persie (age 8):
Ice cream (NEOPOLITAN! Without the vanilla bit)
Staying up past bedtime
90 minutes – We lost the game and we are all told off, but I’m not sent to bed early and I am given another bottle of Lucozade!! This is the best place ever, EVER. IDST.